Forgiving Yourself - Why is it so Hard?

It's easy to mask the pain and hurt that you feel deep inside - to cover up all the regret and shame you feel for the choices you once made. It's easy to find something to turn your attention to, momentarily forgetting the guilt that is building up. Like a storm rolling in, you never really can outrun the emotions that cause you to doubt everything you are. Eventually, time catches up to you and all the emotions you're trying to outrun take control of all you think you are.

Life has this funny way of constantly reminding you of the hurt you've caused others. Be it the 5-year old that walks back to mom, holding back his tears and hurt. Or the text message from a 9-year old that claims she misses you. The 11-year old that is home sick from school, stressed and worried about the future. Or the crazy and hectic schedule you've now created for others. No matter which way you turn, you can't help but see the hurt you've caused.

Even as those you hurt have forgiven you...have put the past behind them...and you try to be a better man today, you're left doubting all you've become. Will I be defined by the man I once was, or can I let go of my own past and live for today? Can I forgive myself of my own past, leaving behind my selfishness, pride, and mistakes? Where do I go and to whom do I turn when forgiving myself becomes so difficult?

The answer lies in Him! He has already forgiven me and made me new. He has provided a plan and a path that I must trust. He has placed amazing friends in my life that will build me up. He will use my talents to serve His purpose. He has heard my cry and He will heal me. He reminds me to be grateful for the opportunity to be a better dad, a better friend, and an amazing son of God. Rather than allowing myself to be filled with hurt and regret, seek the love and grace of God to see the moments as opportunities.

This means must practice three things daily, just as I would if I were training for an IronMan bike ride:

1. Give glory to God daily. Allow Him to be my rock and my salvation, going to Him with any worry, fear, doubt, shame, or guilt. Letting God heal my pain.
2. Surround myself with those that lift me up and allow me to be myself. Have a group of friends that hold me accountable for who I am and what I think of myself.
3. Be the best dad I can for today...no matter who I was in the past, I can be a better dad each day through letting me children know they are safe, beautiful, and loved. 

Above all, I must trust that I am redeemed and loved by God. That my past is dead and gone, and I can be a new man today for living my life according to His will.

'And I refuse your help

out of my own selfish pride,

Lord I have so many masks

to cover up and hide.

So I will pray to you right now
to take away my sin,

Come heal away my brokenness

and change this heart again.

Without you I am nothing,
but a weak and dying man,

So I will pray to your right now

Come change this heart again.'

~ Sidewalk Prophets, 'Change This Heart'